EVERYONE
knows what dirt tastes like. Last week, I ordered a salad at a
restaurant and found myself crunching on a shoddily washed leaf. I took a
few more sandy bites before explaining the situation to my waiter,
apologizing and asking to see the menu once again.
When
my second-choice dish arrived, 20 minutes later, it was blanketed in
bacon. I don’t eat meat, a dietary restriction for which I was “very
sorry.” By the time a plate of edible food appeared, my fork had been a
casualty of the confusion. Unable to catch the waiter’s eye, I walked to
the kitchen, where I apologized to a busboy.
For
so many women, myself included, apologies are inexorably linked with
our conception of politeness. Somehow, as we grew into adults, “sorry”
became an entry point to basic affirmative sentences.
True,
this affliction is not exclusive to our gender. It can be found among
men — in particular, British men — but it is far more stereotypical of
women. So, in the words of a popular 2014 Pantene ad, why are women always apologizing?
One
commonly posited theory, which informs everything from shampoo
commercials to doctoral dissertations, is that being perceived as rude
is so abhorrent to women that we need to make ourselves less obtrusive
before we speak up. According to a 2010 study in the journal Psychological Science, “women
have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior,” so are
more likely to see a need for an apology in everyday situations. We are
even apt to shoehorn apologies into instances where being direct is
vital — such as when demanding a raise.
I’m
dubious about this catchall explanation. The bend-over-backward
compulsion to avoid giving offense might account for plenty of
unnecessary “pleases” or “excuse me’s,” but it doesn’t sufficiently
account for the intensity of a “sorry.”
Here’s
the paradox: Every day, we see more unapologetically self-assured
female role models, yet women’s extreme prostration seems only to have
increased. A recent “Inside Amy Schumer” sketch wonderfully skewered our
propensity to apologize: One by one, various accomplished women on a panel apologize,
first for trivial things like being allergic to caffeine, or for
talking over one another, but finally for having the gall to exist in
the first place. The discrepancy between what those women offer the
world and how they conduct themselves in it elevates the sketch from
amusing to disturbing.
This
is not to suggest that all men are rude and unapologetic and that women
are the inverse, but something incongruous is happening in women’s
behavior that can’t be chalked up to reflexive politeness. Look at the
Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s new ads warning
New York straphangers against inconsiderate behavior, like eating on
the subway or manspreading. Graphics depict men displaying almost all
these behaviors, except, perhaps in an effort to provide gender balance,
the one that advises women to avoid elbows-out personal grooming.
The
scenario seems ridiculously unrealistic — and not just because it’s the
only one I’ve never witnessed firsthand. The ads are saying that men
are far less likely to be conscious of personal space than women. So
why, even after making ourselves physically smaller on the subway, are
we still the ones apologizing?
I
think it’s because we haven’t addressed the deeper meaning of these
“sorrys.” To me, they sound like tiny acts of revolt, expressions of
frustration or anger at having to ask for what should be automatic. They
are employed when a situation is so clearly not our fault that we think the apology will serve as a prompt for the person who should be apologizing.
It’s
a Trojan horse for genuine annoyance, a tactic left over from centuries
of having to couch basic demands in palatable packages in order to get
what we want. All that exhausting maneuvering is the etiquette
equivalent of a vestigial tail.
When
a woman opens her window at 3 a.m. on a weeknight and shouts to her
neighbor, “I’m sorry, but can you turn the music down?” the “sorry” is
not an attempt at unobtrusiveness. It’s not even good manners. It’s a
poor translation for a string of expletives.
These
sorrys are actually assertive. Unfortunately, for both addresser and
addressee alike, the “assertive apology” is too indirect, obscuring the
point. It comes off as passive-aggressive — the easiest of the
aggressions to dismiss.
So we should stop. It’s not what we’re saying that’s the problem, it’s what we’re not
saying. The sorrys are taking up airtime that should be used for making
logical, declarative statements, expressing opinions and relaying
accurate impressions of what we want.
We
are not sorry to ask for an email that should have been sent to us
weeks ago, or to expect to receive the item we paid for, or to be bumped
into on the subway. Yes, we should take the shampoo commercial’s advice
and weed out the word when it’s superfluous. But it’s just as important
to articulate exactly what we mean in its place.
Julia Child, a consummate charmer, said it best: “Never apologize.” Probably because she never asked anyone to eat dirt.
source: NEW YORK TIMES
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